My and Self.

dear emmia and kirk,
   I'm being dramatic today. My emotions are up, down, upside down, sideways, diagonal and everything in between which just makes me frustrated which is NOT good people.
   Life as a missionary isn't always lollipops and rainbows. Its sometimes really hard just like life. And sometimes I feel like this:

A.K.A : "A missionary's emotions are as real as yours. Just because they might get sad over people's rejections, does not make their feelings any less real."

Some people think that missionaries are perfect. We are called for 18 to 24 months to be representatives of Jesus Christ and teach the world Jesus Christ's Gospel. But just because we are representing the only perfect man that walked on this earth does not mean we are perfect.

No matter how much I want to be perfect and follow Christ with exactness I have to fess up: I'm human. I am simply me. And at times I laugh at myself and say: "self you are far from perfect"

And this is where the emotions kick in. Right now I feel like a yo-yo. Have you ever had those days? One minute your smiling and laughing with your friends and the next you want to slink away and be a hermit? One moment I am totally OK at the fact that I'm not perfect. I'm human and me. But in a flash I'm  beating myself up for not being a perfect person or missionary or friend or sister. And then I start apologizing to myself and I have a conversation with myself that goes something like this. . . 
(Warning: yes this is a conversation amongst me, myself and I. I hope this happens to you sometimes because I talk to myself a lot and this is usually the blow by blow. If you get nervous with crazy or nutty tendencies you have been warned :)

My: "Self, I'm sorry I don't write everyone an individual email every week. I only have an hour to email everybody and honestly a blanket email telling everyone about my week is all my nerves can allow
I'm sorry for making up excuses about emailing people.
I'm sorry I sometimes get grumpy and I don't have a smile on my face. 
I'm sorry for . . . "
Self: "OK STOP!!!!!!! My, your not doing so good today. Let me help you out. Remember this?

My: "Yeah we saw it on Facebook this morning. We liked it so we shared it."
Self: "did you really read it?"
My: "Well yeah I did. Its saying that all the things I'm going through today is helping me and preparing me for tomorrow."
Self: "Good. Now how about this next one?"

My: "That one means that we aren't here just for ourselves.  Our purpose is to help people."
Self: "Put them together and what do you get?"
My: "It means that I can use what I'm going through now to help other people?"
Self: EXACTLY!!

And that my friends is how I get out of slumps that I'm in. I may slip into another one or several today because today is just one of those days but I know myself will pull me through. 

At times I fight with myself and beat myself up (just picture comic book status fighting with a play by play. I'm very detailed:) 
But I get nowhere and I'm left with a battered self who can't help me when I start hurting. 

My emotions are sometimes just crazy and I need to learn to be gentle with myself.

I'm learning to remember my Savior when I'm going through rough days. . . or weeks. . . our months. I'm learning my potential to become like Him.


Remember this when you are shredding your soul into iddy-biddy little pieces because you didn't get up when you were suppose to or you went to put you elbow on the table, missed and almost face planted into said table (yep just happened to me) or any of of the human, you things you do. 

Remember to be gentle with yourself. 

Remember that you can help people with what your going through. That moment for you to help might be 5 minutes from now for a stranger or might be years from now for your own kids. 

Just remember you are loved and you are YOU!!! You are a child of God and you've GOT THIS!!!

And even when you beat and abandon yourself, remember Jesus Christ never will.

 He is always there

Love,
     Ryn.

More than one Restoration

Dear Emmia and Kirk,
   In the LDS faith there are many restorations.

The Restoration of the Church. This is probably the most commonly known.

"When Jesus Christ lived on the earth, He organized His Church so that all people could receive His gospel and return one day to live with God, our Heavenly Father. After Jesus Christ died, was resurrected and ascended to heaven, His Apostles continued to receive revelation from Him through the Holy Ghost on how to direct the work of His Church. However, after they were killed, members changed the teachings of the Church that He had established. While many good people and some truth remained, this Apostasy, or general falling away from the truth, brought about the withdrawal of the Church from the earth (2 Thessalonians 2:1-3; Acts 20:29-30). The Apostle Peter prophesied that Jesus would restore His Church before His Second Coming (Acts 3:19-21).

Jesus Christ began to restore His Church in its fulness to the earth through the Prophet Joseph Smith in 1820. It has grown to become a worldwide Church with over 13 million members. It has the same teachings and basic organization as the Church established by Jesus in New Testament times.-mormon.org

Jesus Christ through Joseph Smith restored His true church, His doctrine and teachings and His authority on the earth again. 

Also the Resurrection is a type of restoration. After we die or bodies and spirits are separated and our spirit goes to the spirit world. Sometime after death our bodies and spirits are reunited to never be separated again. Jesus Christ was the first to rise from the dead and become resurrected and because of Him we will as well. All of us will receive immortal bodies.

All my life I have heard about, talked about and taught about these restorations. I have known about them all my life.

But I learned how to apply another restoration in my life. The restoration of the soul.

Through Jesus Christ our soul can be restored; can return to Heavenly Father.

"The great secret is this: Jesus Christ will share his perfection, his sinlessness, his righteousness, his merits with us. In his mercy he offers us the use of his perfection, in the absence of our own, to satisfy the demands of justice"

This is why genuine faith in Christ- ACTIVE acceptance of his power and not just passive belief in his identity is and must be the very first principle of the gospel." -Stephen E. Robinson.

When we accept his power; his atonement in our lives and actively apply it to everything we do we are sanctified, purified in Christ.

Find Him. Find you.

Love,
   Ryn.

Seeking God's correction.

Dear Emmia and Kirk,
 I was usually a pretty good kid. I stayed out of trouble and tried not to put more stress on my single mom than was needed. I tried to follow all the rules and be a good girl.
I'm sure I slipped up a time or two with minor rules but I remember one time in particular that really affected me. One time I didn't get home until 3 am. I'm sure teenagers do this all the time but it was unheard of for me. I was at a friend's house and we started the movie late and I fell asleep. By the time I woke up it was really late. My mom called me and I knew she wasn't happy. Driving home I was scared. When I got in the house mom grilled me for an hour. My heart hurt so much with guilt. One of my worst fears was to cause extra stressed on an already tasked mom. But there was a little part of my soul that was saying "Wait a minute here! I've been a good girl thus far. I haven't gone to booze or drugs to drown my loneliness. I haven't rebelled with major things. I didn't follow curfew once. Why is this such a big deal?"

Looking back on it I know now why my mom yelled at me. She was scared to. She loves me and wants the best for me. That little rebellious thought is gone. now I know that her corrections and love helped me stay on the right path until I had faith in it.

Have you ever felt like that? Where you think you are doing well and you get cut to the curb? You think you've figured it out but then you get punished for one small thing? Your body is ok and working already then WAMMY something goes wrong that leaves you in a lot of pain for one small act? You pick up a glass thinking to drink water and its milk? walking along and all of a sudden you've stubbed your toe? You think "he's the one!" and then he's not, leaving you with pain and bitterness in your heart?

This happens to all of us. the sinners the saints and the people in between. Trials come to all of us that are unexpected and often it makes you realize something you did not want to think about; a flaw in your character, a lack of patience or endurance, or simply that life's not fair.

Why do these things happen?

because God loves us. He loves us and wants the best for us.

Sometimes we grow into something God doesn't want us to be. Maybe we have grown according to the will of others, found nourishment from bad soil or have wrapped around something that is harmful to us.



God doesn't want us to be just a good person or a better person. He wants us to be His heirs; His Children.

When we seek for His loving corrections he transforms us.

"The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in. The world would take people out of the slums. Christ would take the slums out of people, and then they would take themselves out of the slums.

The world would mold men by changing their environment. Christ changes men, who then change their environment. The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature."

   -Ezra Taft Benson.

When we follow Christ even when we feel like our lot in life isn't fair Christ will change us, change our thoughts and patterns until we are grateful for those unfair things. Health problems? they teach us to take care of what we can and trust in God with the rest. Drinking milk but expecting water? you learn to expect the unexpected AND to look before you decide to act. Stubbed toe? teaching you to watch the path you're on. heart ache, abuse (from yourself or others)? Helps you see that giving your trust to God is worth it.

I have many many moments where I feel God has cut me down and given me something I cannot handle. But in those moments I realize that He is in it and afterwards I know I can handle it when I walk with Him.

Jesus Christ walked on water and when I follow Him I can, despite all the storms I'm given and go through I can walk on water too.

Love,

  Ryn

My Father.

Dear Emmia and Kirk,
My past wasn't typical which I'm sure is true for everyone. My past includes an abusive father, divorce, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and my family that got me through it all.

With a past like this it tends to still affect me. I don't want it to but it does.  For me there are a lot of unanswered questions. Most of them start with why. (my favorite question as mom can attest to)

At times I have asked: Why did my dad abuse us? Why does my past keep coming up to effect me?

Which leads to: Why is there so much violence in the world? Why do I have to hurt for other peoples choices?

But they remain unanswered.

I don't have to know why my father inflicted so much violent abuse on a tender family and chose to do all of the things he as done.
I don't know the reason why I grew up fatherless.
I don't have to know why my father chose not to be a father to me.
I don't know why my family still struggles emotionally and financially because of what one person did.
I don't have to know why there is so much pain and hurt from abuse. . .

because I know the cure. My Savior, Jesus Christ can mend anything. He is the comfort I seek when the nightmares come and my self-esteem is broken. He is the hand I hold when I go through a flashback. His is the face I see when memories invade.

 

Through Jesus Christ I know I have a Father in Heaven. He loves me. He has been there when my earthly dad was screaming at us, when he was beating up my family in front of me and when these mental wounds have reopened with every flashback.

In my mind my father is not my father. He abused and hurt my family and me. He didn't act like a father.

My God is my Father. He knows me better than I know me.

 2 Corinthians 1:3
Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;

 He will give me what I need exactly when I need it to help me be what I need to be to help others in need.

 These two talks have helped me look for healing and help. They have reminded me of the simple truths of the gospel that have always been there to heal and comfort me.

"Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse"

 "Repent that I may heal you"

Sometimes I still wonder why it happened and why it still effects me but I know that Jesus Christ has healed me already and will make everything just in the end. All I have to do is remember that I'm healed, repent of my mistakes and always always look in Jesus Christ's eyes. He is my center. When I focus on Him all the negative tempest of guilt, shame, anger, fear, hate, anxiety, etc. don't matter anymore. Yes that storm is still there but Christ is my focus and only He can get me to the safety of the shore.

Emmia, it is not your fault if someone hurts you. It is their choice. That guilt that you might be holding on to hurts your soul far more than the abuse ever could. Let it go and now that God doesn;t punish you for another persons actions. You are a daughter of God and deserve HIs is comfort and help. All you need is to ask.

Kirk, remember you are a Son of God. It may scare you, if you have gone through abuse, to become like your abuser. I have felt that fear time and time again. Let love be the motivator of your potential not fear. Let God's love push that fear away. Love yourself into God's arms and He will be your influence to become like Christ.

Helaman 3:35

"Nevertheless they did fast and pray oft, and did wax stronger and stronger in their humility, and firmer and firmer in the faith of Christ, unto the filling their souls with joy and consolation, yea, even to the purifying and the sanctification of their hearts, which sanctification cometh because of their yielding their hearts unto God."

 I love you and God loves you and I hope, if abuse (any type) has happened in you life, that you come to the One that can purify you and give you comfort.

Love,
 Ryn.



 

Sun Dogs

Dear Emmia and Kirk,
You know those mornings where you have to wake up really early and you don't think you could ever be in a happy mood all day until God does something to blind you with His brilliance and put a smile on your face?

Well this week we experienced just that. A couple days ago we were driving to the Peter Whitmer Farm for our shift early early EARLY in the morning. (did I mention it was early?) The east horizon was just starting to lighten as we pulled onto the road. As the sun rose, the temperature dropped. 8 degrees. 6 degrees. 3 degrees. 0 degrees. this is when we started taking pictures of the car dash board where the temp. registers.
 -1.    -3.   -4.    -6.   -8

Both the temperature and my mood were in the negative. I don't like morning. I don't like the cold.

But God put something in my path to change my view.

As we drove I noticed a rainbow on each side of the rising sun and it was so amazingly brilliant. I had never seen that before.

A little while later we actually drove through the rainbow:)


(picture from searching "sun dogs" on Google images)

I felt so loved in that moment. God knew I was having a hard time that morning following Him and being Christlike. So he gave me my first glimpse at one of His phenomenons, sun dogs, to help me see that morning from His point of view.

If it hadn't been the crack of dawn we wouldn't have seen the rainbow around the sun.

If it hadn't been that cold we wouldn't have seen it either.

Sometimes life is hard. Sometimes we make it hard. And all the time God is trying to tell us that He loves us and gives us hard things so we can see the beauty in it.

"He was a burning and a shining light: and ye were willing for a season to rejoice in his light." (John 5:35)

When I follow the Light of Jesus Christ I am happier. I'm definitely not trial-less. My life isn't perfect and rainbows and sun dogs all the time because I follow Jesus Christ.

But with Jesus Christ I can smile through the 8 below weather. I can climb up all my trials with His strength and help. I can overcome my flaws and imperfections and on this journey back to Him and Heavenly Father I can help other people come closer to Christ's light.

Mathew 5

14. Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.

15. Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.

16. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.

Shine for Jesus Christ and your Heavenly Father and you will see His Light in your life.

It happened to me :)

Love,

   Ryn

Mi Hermanas :)

Dear Emmia and Kirk,
   Google definition of sister: a woman or girl in relation to other daughters and sons of her parents.
 A sister is way more than this.
A sister is a friend, confidant, support, back up, creeps with you, laughs with you, and loves you even when they don't like you.

Here are my sisters. . .

Kiera

Aubrey

Sarah(the one with long hair:)



And these are just the three that are related to me (hence they have to claim me)

I never thought I would get any more sisters but God has a sense of humor and sent me to The Hill Cumorah Visitor's Center where I serve with A LOT of sisters. and they have all become true sisters to me.

So why has God sent tons and tons of sisters to me, a tomboy?

Well in short they are reflections of the Savior and each one of them are examples to me of how I can reflect the Savior.

Growing up I didn't have much self worth, but because of the amazing examples of womanhood around me I have learned that I am of worth and I have the ability to reflect the Savior.

God gives us things we do not expect to teach us lessons that we wouldn't have sought after ourselves

The Ugly Duckling had to leave before he found who he really was. He had to grow into his feathers before seeing his true reflection.

"Look harder" -Rafiki

Right now, that is what I am doing. I know my sisters (all of them) are cheering me on and helping me. How you might ask? By being who they really are! which strengthens me to be who I really am: Daughters of a King!!

Love,
  Ryn.

To those who believe in everyday miracles

Dear Emmia and Kirk,

Today we had a miracle!

Here's how it went. Our morning was pretty normal it went by smoothly we got most of our studies in and actually finished lunch early at 11:30. While I was trying to get ready (I've been feeling a bit sick) Sister Carlson took pity on me and did my hair (Miracle #1) which doesn't happen very often (the pitying or my hair getting done)

Then Sister Carlson had a great idea for a blog post and she took pictures of her beat up missionary shoes and her new shoes to compare her growth on her mission. (Miracle #2) While she clicked away she felt so much peace about what she was doing. So hair, sickness, and lethargy on my end and shoes, pictures and ADD on Sister Carlson's end got us out the door and in the car. . . at 12:24 pm. Our shift at the Book of Mormon Publication site starts at 1 pm (but we were suppose to be 15 minutes early). . . and we live 40 minutes to an hour from the sites; a.k.a. we are going to be late. Me, personally I would be freaking out. Wow we are going to be soooo late. Cue anxiety attack NOW!!!

But it didn't come. No beating heart of anxiety, no sweaty palms of worry. I felt peace. I felt like 12:24 pm was the exact time we needed to leave. (Miracle #3) We start on our way and realize that we haven't prayed yet so we turn off the CD playing and I pray while Sister Carlson is driving. While I was praying all the cars parted like the Red Sea (before we were hitting every red light and cars were merging in front of us galore)

The lights were green and we were driving towards our destination when we saw in the distance lights on part of the road ahead of us. Police lights, firetruck and ambulance. I saw it and said "I think that's why. . . " and Sister Carlson looked at me and said "I was thinking the exact same thing and as you said that my heart burned."

As we approached the blinking lights a feeling of gratitude and sadness washed over me in equal measure. I scanned the scene as Sister Carlson drove past it. Men in yellow reflector jackets were everywhere guiding traffic, talking on radios and sweeping up glass. Its a good thing I had sunglasses on because I was tearing up. I looked to see the damage of the car. It was was small and green. lifted up on the flatbed of the tow truck. It was all smashed up.

My soul hurt for the people in that accident and as we drove away I turned off the CD again and prayed. I prayed for those people. I prayed for the men in the yellow reflector jackets. and I thanked God for using our small weaknesses, like pictures of shoes, to protect us.

Protect us from being in that accident, from seeing it or the hurt someone on a stretcher. I could feel the residue of pain that was on that part of the road just moments before.

As you can see I have a very sensitive soul. And God has given that to me as a gift. But I have weaknesses. Sometimes I do not want to get out of bed at 6:30 am. Sometimes I feel left out. Sometimes I say weird things. Sometimes I don't say things I should.

But God uses our strengths AND our weaknesses to bring about His will.

Ether 12:27

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

Simple weakness is a miracle. think about it. We are infinite spiritual beings that have bodies living a mortal life. Just think about that for a few.

Everything is a miracle to God. Even trials. Trials are the hardest thing ever that's why they are called trials. They test you, they break you down and sometimes shred you into teeny tiny little pieces.

But through trials God can build us up, strengthen us and bring us closer to what we can become.

Its the small things.

EVERYTHING IS A MIRACLE.

That is what I learned today.

Love, Ryn

Fly to His arms.

Dear Emmia and Kirk,

In the Bible there is the story of Noah. He lived in a pretty wicked world; so wicked that God, as merciful as He is, decided to flood the whole earth. In God's mercy He told Noah to pack up his family, food, provisions, and all types of animals(two by two) on an ark that God instructed him to build. Sound familiar to anyone? Has anyone ever had to move? go to college? start a new chapter in life? 

Sometimes transitions in life go smoothly and you are actually grateful for doing it. But that's not how it was in Noah's case. God told Noah to go into the ark with everything he had gathered and that's when it got rough. Waters from the depths of the earth sprang up and rain pored down on them until the ENTIRE earth was covered. AND Noah was 600 years old. (forgot to mention that)

Things got better though. Noah had prepared enough before hand so that all the animals and his family would survive until the waters subsided and they could come out of the ark and start over again.

But I think my favorite part in this story is the dove. When Noah wanted to see if the waters had decreased he first sent out a raven then a dove to see if there was land.

Everyone loves when the dove comes back with the olive branch in her mouth and everyone rejoices and they are even more excited when she doesn't return at all because they know that she is on land. 

But there was a time before that where she came back with nothing.

Genesis 8:9

" But the dove found no rest for the sole of her foot, and she returned unto him into the ark, for the waters were on the face of the whole earth: then he put forth his hand, and took her, and pulled her in unto him into the ark."

I love this scripture. It reminds me so much of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ has sent us out here in this world that's pretty scary; that's flooded with a lot of hate and sadness sometimes. We cannot find rest in this world permanently.

We need to return to Him to find the rest we need. His hand is always "put forth" to take us and pull us in for the comfort and rest we earn for.

God knows what we need. All we must do is seek for it. Don't let anything get in the way of you flying into His arms; of going to Him in hard times and good times.

God loves us. Let us love Him.

Love,

   Ryn.

Status

Dear Emmia and Kirk
    Have you ever wondered what your "status" is? It's there all the time on Facebook with the epic thought provoking question "what's on your mind?" (hopefully you know what this is and future technology hasn't made Facebook archaic) We usually type up something we've done or what color of shoes we wore today but it should be something more? The Google definition of the word status is "the relative social, professional, or other standing of someone or something." Huh what? Your status is your standing. on what? you might ask. Well it could be anything really but what is most important to you?

   I was thinking a lot about this; about how I used Facebook and technology before my mission (not much because of my lack of techy skill and when I did it was for random unimportant things) and how I use it now on my mission. I use it to uplift others and myself. I use it to help people find happiness through Jesus Christ. I use it to email my family every Preparation day and I use it to write you. Its a drastic change in my status.

   What causes great changes in you? For me it was being aware.

 Being aware of: 

God's love for me

Jesus Christ sacrifice for me

the children of God I see (which is everybody)

the hope in my heart.

   I change a lot but one thing stays the same: That I'm a Daughter of God. That will not change. It won't for you either. Nope, sorry. You are stuck being a son or daughter of God forever; eternity; all the time; siempre(always) And God will always love you forever; eternity; all the time. . . you're picking up what I'm laying down. Even if that girl in your English class doesn't even know you exist or your boyfriend just dumped you. Or you're a snot to everybody even yourself. God loves you. I love you.
  I realized what I should have been doing with technology all along. I should have been letting people know I love them. That's ultimately what my status is all the time now. That's why I'm so weird (cause God made me that way and I am that way) and that's why I'm trying to figure out all these computery things so I can spread happyness
My "status" is happy my purpose makes sense, and I am weird.
 Love,
     Ryn.