My and Self.

dear emmia and kirk,
   I'm being dramatic today. My emotions are up, down, upside down, sideways, diagonal and everything in between which just makes me frustrated which is NOT good people.
   Life as a missionary isn't always lollipops and rainbows. Its sometimes really hard just like life. And sometimes I feel like this:

A.K.A : "A missionary's emotions are as real as yours. Just because they might get sad over people's rejections, does not make their feelings any less real."

Some people think that missionaries are perfect. We are called for 18 to 24 months to be representatives of Jesus Christ and teach the world Jesus Christ's Gospel. But just because we are representing the only perfect man that walked on this earth does not mean we are perfect.

No matter how much I want to be perfect and follow Christ with exactness I have to fess up: I'm human. I am simply me. And at times I laugh at myself and say: "self you are far from perfect"

And this is where the emotions kick in. Right now I feel like a yo-yo. Have you ever had those days? One minute your smiling and laughing with your friends and the next you want to slink away and be a hermit? One moment I am totally OK at the fact that I'm not perfect. I'm human and me. But in a flash I'm  beating myself up for not being a perfect person or missionary or friend or sister. And then I start apologizing to myself and I have a conversation with myself that goes something like this. . . 
(Warning: yes this is a conversation amongst me, myself and I. I hope this happens to you sometimes because I talk to myself a lot and this is usually the blow by blow. If you get nervous with crazy or nutty tendencies you have been warned :)

My: "Self, I'm sorry I don't write everyone an individual email every week. I only have an hour to email everybody and honestly a blanket email telling everyone about my week is all my nerves can allow
I'm sorry for making up excuses about emailing people.
I'm sorry I sometimes get grumpy and I don't have a smile on my face. 
I'm sorry for . . . "
Self: "OK STOP!!!!!!! My, your not doing so good today. Let me help you out. Remember this?

My: "Yeah we saw it on Facebook this morning. We liked it so we shared it."
Self: "did you really read it?"
My: "Well yeah I did. Its saying that all the things I'm going through today is helping me and preparing me for tomorrow."
Self: "Good. Now how about this next one?"

My: "That one means that we aren't here just for ourselves.  Our purpose is to help people."
Self: "Put them together and what do you get?"
My: "It means that I can use what I'm going through now to help other people?"
Self: EXACTLY!!

And that my friends is how I get out of slumps that I'm in. I may slip into another one or several today because today is just one of those days but I know myself will pull me through. 

At times I fight with myself and beat myself up (just picture comic book status fighting with a play by play. I'm very detailed:) 
But I get nowhere and I'm left with a battered self who can't help me when I start hurting. 

My emotions are sometimes just crazy and I need to learn to be gentle with myself.

I'm learning to remember my Savior when I'm going through rough days. . . or weeks. . . our months. I'm learning my potential to become like Him.


Remember this when you are shredding your soul into iddy-biddy little pieces because you didn't get up when you were suppose to or you went to put you elbow on the table, missed and almost face planted into said table (yep just happened to me) or any of of the human, you things you do. 

Remember to be gentle with yourself. 

Remember that you can help people with what your going through. That moment for you to help might be 5 minutes from now for a stranger or might be years from now for your own kids. 

Just remember you are loved and you are YOU!!! You are a child of God and you've GOT THIS!!!

And even when you beat and abandon yourself, remember Jesus Christ never will.

 He is always there

Love,
     Ryn.

My Father.

Dear Emmia and Kirk,
My past wasn't typical which I'm sure is true for everyone. My past includes an abusive father, divorce, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and my family that got me through it all.

With a past like this it tends to still affect me. I don't want it to but it does.  For me there are a lot of unanswered questions. Most of them start with why. (my favorite question as mom can attest to)

At times I have asked: Why did my dad abuse us? Why does my past keep coming up to effect me?

Which leads to: Why is there so much violence in the world? Why do I have to hurt for other peoples choices?

But they remain unanswered.

I don't have to know why my father inflicted so much violent abuse on a tender family and chose to do all of the things he as done.
I don't know the reason why I grew up fatherless.
I don't have to know why my father chose not to be a father to me.
I don't know why my family still struggles emotionally and financially because of what one person did.
I don't have to know why there is so much pain and hurt from abuse. . .

because I know the cure. My Savior, Jesus Christ can mend anything. He is the comfort I seek when the nightmares come and my self-esteem is broken. He is the hand I hold when I go through a flashback. His is the face I see when memories invade.

 

Through Jesus Christ I know I have a Father in Heaven. He loves me. He has been there when my earthly dad was screaming at us, when he was beating up my family in front of me and when these mental wounds have reopened with every flashback.

In my mind my father is not my father. He abused and hurt my family and me. He didn't act like a father.

My God is my Father. He knows me better than I know me.

 2 Corinthians 1:3
Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;

 He will give me what I need exactly when I need it to help me be what I need to be to help others in need.

 These two talks have helped me look for healing and help. They have reminded me of the simple truths of the gospel that have always been there to heal and comfort me.

"Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse"

 "Repent that I may heal you"

Sometimes I still wonder why it happened and why it still effects me but I know that Jesus Christ has healed me already and will make everything just in the end. All I have to do is remember that I'm healed, repent of my mistakes and always always look in Jesus Christ's eyes. He is my center. When I focus on Him all the negative tempest of guilt, shame, anger, fear, hate, anxiety, etc. don't matter anymore. Yes that storm is still there but Christ is my focus and only He can get me to the safety of the shore.

Emmia, it is not your fault if someone hurts you. It is their choice. That guilt that you might be holding on to hurts your soul far more than the abuse ever could. Let it go and now that God doesn;t punish you for another persons actions. You are a daughter of God and deserve HIs is comfort and help. All you need is to ask.

Kirk, remember you are a Son of God. It may scare you, if you have gone through abuse, to become like your abuser. I have felt that fear time and time again. Let love be the motivator of your potential not fear. Let God's love push that fear away. Love yourself into God's arms and He will be your influence to become like Christ.

Helaman 3:35

"Nevertheless they did fast and pray oft, and did wax stronger and stronger in their humility, and firmer and firmer in the faith of Christ, unto the filling their souls with joy and consolation, yea, even to the purifying and the sanctification of their hearts, which sanctification cometh because of their yielding their hearts unto God."

 I love you and God loves you and I hope, if abuse (any type) has happened in you life, that you come to the One that can purify you and give you comfort.

Love,
 Ryn.



 

White Darkness

Dear Emmia and Kirk,
We are all surrounded by white darkness. Google, Yahoo, Bing, Facebook, Twitter, etc Endless information flooding us with what's hot, who's right, what's in, how all the celebrities are, and how many people care about you(are you followed or liked?) All these posts and twitters giving us a white wash of info. Its everywhere!! Drowning us in white darkness filling our head with thoughts of inadequacy, pride, things we think we want but don't have money for, and on and on and on supplying us with an endless amount of white noise.

"Crazy? Did someone say crazy? I was crazy once. They longed locked me in a white room with yahoo and google. I looked for this and I searched that and I found nothing. It drove me crazy. Crazy? Did someone say. . . "

In the Old and New Testaments people didn't have information coming at them with a push of a button.

"Behold, the days come, saith the Lord God, that I will send a famine in the land, not a famine of bread, nor a thirst for water, but of hearing the words of the Lord:

 And they shall wander from sea to sea, and from the north even to the east, they shall run to and fro to seek the word of the Lord, and shall not find it."

Amos 8:11-12

That's what it was like back then after Jesus Christ and His apostles left the earth. People were RUNNING and SEEKING for the truth and they couldn't find it.

But what about now? 

Well now, information and knowledge usually comes running and seeking after us, trying to tell us what to wear, what to do, buy, and shop for and even who we are. 

Now a days we have to find truth amongst an ocean of information and facts. 

How can we find it?

 This video clip explains it better than I can.

The voice of the Spirit should be the filter we use to tune out the negative voices and tune into what God wants to tell us.

Technology is amazing. It helps us in so many ways. When we follow the spirit in using it our lives are enriched and we are at peace with God which is the only peace that lasts.






This life is for us to become like Jesus Christ. When we filter the information through the Voice of the Spirit and through Jesus Christ eyes we aren't too fat or skinny. We don't need to buy something to be of worth.

We are Children of God.

When we remember this we seek after the truth of God and tune out what the world thinks of us.

When we remember this we run towards God because we know He is our loving Father in heaven.

When we remember this we are free and we move through this white darkness of information and storm of ideas with confidence having our eyes fixed on Jesus Christ

We smile more too :)

Love,

    Ryn