My Father.

Dear Emmia and Kirk,
My past wasn't typical which I'm sure is true for everyone. My past includes an abusive father, divorce, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and my family that got me through it all.

With a past like this it tends to still affect me. I don't want it to but it does.  For me there are a lot of unanswered questions. Most of them start with why. (my favorite question as mom can attest to)

At times I have asked: Why did my dad abuse us? Why does my past keep coming up to effect me?

Which leads to: Why is there so much violence in the world? Why do I have to hurt for other peoples choices?

But they remain unanswered.

I don't have to know why my father inflicted so much violent abuse on a tender family and chose to do all of the things he as done.
I don't know the reason why I grew up fatherless.
I don't have to know why my father chose not to be a father to me.
I don't know why my family still struggles emotionally and financially because of what one person did.
I don't have to know why there is so much pain and hurt from abuse. . .

because I know the cure. My Savior, Jesus Christ can mend anything. He is the comfort I seek when the nightmares come and my self-esteem is broken. He is the hand I hold when I go through a flashback. His is the face I see when memories invade.

 

Through Jesus Christ I know I have a Father in Heaven. He loves me. He has been there when my earthly dad was screaming at us, when he was beating up my family in front of me and when these mental wounds have reopened with every flashback.

In my mind my father is not my father. He abused and hurt my family and me. He didn't act like a father.

My God is my Father. He knows me better than I know me.

 2 Corinthians 1:3
Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;

 He will give me what I need exactly when I need it to help me be what I need to be to help others in need.

 These two talks have helped me look for healing and help. They have reminded me of the simple truths of the gospel that have always been there to heal and comfort me.

"Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse"

 "Repent that I may heal you"

Sometimes I still wonder why it happened and why it still effects me but I know that Jesus Christ has healed me already and will make everything just in the end. All I have to do is remember that I'm healed, repent of my mistakes and always always look in Jesus Christ's eyes. He is my center. When I focus on Him all the negative tempest of guilt, shame, anger, fear, hate, anxiety, etc. don't matter anymore. Yes that storm is still there but Christ is my focus and only He can get me to the safety of the shore.

Emmia, it is not your fault if someone hurts you. It is their choice. That guilt that you might be holding on to hurts your soul far more than the abuse ever could. Let it go and now that God doesn;t punish you for another persons actions. You are a daughter of God and deserve HIs is comfort and help. All you need is to ask.

Kirk, remember you are a Son of God. It may scare you, if you have gone through abuse, to become like your abuser. I have felt that fear time and time again. Let love be the motivator of your potential not fear. Let God's love push that fear away. Love yourself into God's arms and He will be your influence to become like Christ.

Helaman 3:35

"Nevertheless they did fast and pray oft, and did wax stronger and stronger in their humility, and firmer and firmer in the faith of Christ, unto the filling their souls with joy and consolation, yea, even to the purifying and the sanctification of their hearts, which sanctification cometh because of their yielding their hearts unto God."

 I love you and God loves you and I hope, if abuse (any type) has happened in you life, that you come to the One that can purify you and give you comfort.

Love,
 Ryn.



 

Puzzle pieces

Dear Emmia and Kirk,
 I love to do puzzles. My mom and I could zone out for hours in front of a 5000 piece puzzle. We do one every year for New Years. One time we did 7 (varying from 250 to 5000) I was dreaming in puzzle pieces :) Whenever I see this:

I think: Challenge accepted.

I've learned a lot of life lessons from puzzle doing.

 #1: Frame comes first!

When you start working on a puzzle always ALWAYS work on the frame first. If you don't it will take you SSOOO much longer to complete the puzzle and its pretty much chaos. You'll get more frustrations, anger, and puzzle piece throwing than enjoyment and accomplishment out of the puzzle if you get the frame done first.

In life you should start with the frame also. For me my frame is Jesus Christ, His teachings and His restored gospel and church. When I frame my life with Christ and His simple commandments my frustrations, anger and tantrum throwing are less and the enjoyment and accomplishment of my life increases.

No matter what you frame is work on it improve it make sure its a good frame and structure your life in that frame. It will make you so much happier :)

#2: Take the dark with the light.

If you look at an individual piece of a puzzle you its a mini representation of the force on Star Wars. It has a dark side and a light side. And those little individual pieces make up a whole picture of complementary light and dark.

Life has dark days and light days. and those individual days make up a whole life of complementary light and dark.

In the Missionary Training Center one of our teachers Bailee then Brinkerhoff now Morris, pointed this picture out to us that was on the classroom wall.

She pointed out that if it wasn't for the dark places the focus point (where Joseph Smith is) wouldn't even be the focus. The painting wouldn't have focus. She related that to our missions that if we made this painting into a puzzle and each piece was a day of our mission then one day might be filled with dark: everything going wrong, nothing going right, bad hair day and you just want to kneel down in fetal position and cry. But some days would be filled with light: smiling like the barbie at the end of Toy Story 2 but you don't ever want to stop. and most days will have both but they all come together to make an epic picture; a picture of a mission that you will be proud of. I've realized that's not just an analogy for my mission but for my life.

2 Nephi 2: 11

"For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, my firstborn in the wilderness, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility."

#3: Follow the blueprint.

Doing a puzzle without a picture of the end product its harder to complete just like life! If you don't have something for reference you lose the way and even motivation to finish.

One time my mom and I couldn't find the reference picture to a puzzle. (puzzles usually come with them) We had lost it and when we didn't have it the puzzle slowed down. We actually stopped working on it for about a week before we finally found the reference picture in the depths of the couch.

If I don't have a reference picture or blueprint for my life I can lose my way and sometimes lose motivation to continue. In Junior High I had lost the blueprint of my life. I wasn't building my life at all on any blueprint. I was lost and I wasn't happy. But as soon as I found a  blueprint to follow in my life I could move forward to building my life and put together all the small things because I have the big picture.

#4: Life is a puzzle.

    Sometimes when working on a puzzle you lose a piece or you think a piece should go where you think it goes. . . but it doesn't.

Sometimes when going through life I lose things: people, things, places, etc. or I have a plan for my life and I'm positive it will go the way I want it . . . but it doesn't. Which is probably a good thing. With God's plan for my life I can focus on fitting in the pieces. God has already made the puzzle; designed it, created it and worked it all out. All I have to do is put it together.


#5: Cherish the small things.

My mom and I whenever we got a piece of the puzzle in we would do a high five or pound it. Sometimes a mix of both (hahaha:)

That taught me to cherish the small accomplishments. You got out of bed this morning? WOOOHOOO!!! congratulations:) Those small little moments make up a whole day. that small little day makes up a whole life and that life is a puzzle that when completed can be a gift to my Heavenly Father.

1 Nephi 21:16

Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.

My life and puzzle is in His hands. He has given me everything I need. There are so many more lessons I have gained from the life time of doing puzzles but I hope you can take this pieces and apply them to your life puzzle.

Love,
   Ryn

Failures, anyone?

Dear Emmia and Kirk,

As I look back on this last year and forward to the new I ask myself a lot of questions: 

What have I done?

What have I become this past year? 

What do I want to be? 

What are my new years resolutions?

Can I even remember my last ones?

Which ones did I accomplish?

Which ones are unfulfilled?

How can I get better?

What should I aim for?

What haven't I aimed for?

What in the world is wrong with me?

Why am I asking all these questions anyway?

Hmmm, maybe I should learn how to play the guitar?

Woo I wonder if I could read all the standard works in a year!?

Wouldn't that be an accomplishment!?

But what about the other goals I want to get done? like:

-become a Preach my Gospel Missionary

-declutter(I have soo much stuff right?

-make every prayer meaningful

-get in shape and eat right, yay!

-develop talents and abilities

-turn 21(not a given one if you think about it)

-always be myself(which is super hard, no?

-maybe figure out how to do a podcast

-and learn how to crochet and knit a pattern

-become fluent in Spanish

How am I ever gonna get all these things done?

What about last years goals that did not happen?

like at all?

Was last year a failure?

Maybe it wasn't?

I wonder if you got confused with all these questions?

     This past year was all a year should be. It had up and downs and unexpected turns and paths. Yeah I made a bunch of mistakes and goof ups but I also did a lot of good.

So as I tried to figure out my goals for this year as well as reflecting, my sister emailed me and gave me this sound advice:(without even knowing it)

 "Remember that "failures" are only failures if you don't learn from them."

 So I'm not going to limit my goals this year just because I "failed" some goals last year. I learned from them so they're not really failures.

 

I know I may not know the path but I know who is with me. My Savior never leaves me and with Him and can return to God. I focus on him and through all the trial and mistakes I try to always remember:

So my new years resolutions are:

Use the Atonement daily, one day at a time.

Master the simple things

Love and serve others

Be balanced

Return with Him

And any others He wants to to do:)

 So go out and learn and grow. I'm certainly doing it or trying to, and that's what life is all about.
   Because we are eternal beings (we have always existed and will always exist) this is the only time in our existence where we will have such a close understanding of and think of beginnings and ends, months and years, and the everyday mortal things.

Enjoy it!!! Reach out and grab it. Cherish and love every bad hair day, flat tire, broken relationship, wrong turn, right way, family laughter, precious moment, held child, falling leaf, snowflake, or rain, skip or trip or run, frown or smile, dashed hope or accomplished dream. Because its only fleeting and you'll realize as you look back on it all, your failures or mistakes will be your most triumphant memories, where you overcame and changed and loved the most.

God gave us this opportunity to be human together. Lets enjoy the journey; potholes, bumps, wrong turns and all. So lets do this new year thing together. What are your resolutions?
Love,
Ryn

When life gets away from you, pray to the One that gave it to you.

     Life tends to get away from most of us. Whenever I hear people say a phrase like this one I tend to picture someone buying a huge Mastiff dog and trying to take this big pooch on a walk. I can just see in my head this poor someone being dragged by the horse-sized dog until they finally let go: hence life has "gotten away". Its a really comical and sad picture to me. Comical because when I was little that always happened to me with my sister's dog; a Great Pyrenees, and sad because I believe they (and me) could have had some help if they had asked for it. In my opinion we can all choose to have some help with our life. In the King James version of The Bible, Jesus Christ tells us this: "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." -Matthew 11:28-30.
     Well I think almost everyone falls under the category of "heavy laden". We all have worries, concerns, troubles, trails: its a part of the "life" that sometimes gets away. But for me and for anyone who wants Him to, Jesus Christ can help us. He has already helped us through The Atonement He can strengthen us to get through all the burdens of life.
      If you need help ask God. Simple as that! James 1:5. "If any of you lack wisdom let him ask of God that giveth to men liberally and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." God loves us and wants to help us. So don't let life get away or get in the way of His pure love. Seek after it, and He will be there for you.
                                                              WE ARE NOT ALONE!!!
                                                                        D&C 88:63