My and Self.

dear emmia and kirk,
   I'm being dramatic today. My emotions are up, down, upside down, sideways, diagonal and everything in between which just makes me frustrated which is NOT good people.
   Life as a missionary isn't always lollipops and rainbows. Its sometimes really hard just like life. And sometimes I feel like this:

A.K.A : "A missionary's emotions are as real as yours. Just because they might get sad over people's rejections, does not make their feelings any less real."

Some people think that missionaries are perfect. We are called for 18 to 24 months to be representatives of Jesus Christ and teach the world Jesus Christ's Gospel. But just because we are representing the only perfect man that walked on this earth does not mean we are perfect.

No matter how much I want to be perfect and follow Christ with exactness I have to fess up: I'm human. I am simply me. And at times I laugh at myself and say: "self you are far from perfect"

And this is where the emotions kick in. Right now I feel like a yo-yo. Have you ever had those days? One minute your smiling and laughing with your friends and the next you want to slink away and be a hermit? One moment I am totally OK at the fact that I'm not perfect. I'm human and me. But in a flash I'm  beating myself up for not being a perfect person or missionary or friend or sister. And then I start apologizing to myself and I have a conversation with myself that goes something like this. . . 
(Warning: yes this is a conversation amongst me, myself and I. I hope this happens to you sometimes because I talk to myself a lot and this is usually the blow by blow. If you get nervous with crazy or nutty tendencies you have been warned :)

My: "Self, I'm sorry I don't write everyone an individual email every week. I only have an hour to email everybody and honestly a blanket email telling everyone about my week is all my nerves can allow
I'm sorry for making up excuses about emailing people.
I'm sorry I sometimes get grumpy and I don't have a smile on my face. 
I'm sorry for . . . "
Self: "OK STOP!!!!!!! My, your not doing so good today. Let me help you out. Remember this?

My: "Yeah we saw it on Facebook this morning. We liked it so we shared it."
Self: "did you really read it?"
My: "Well yeah I did. Its saying that all the things I'm going through today is helping me and preparing me for tomorrow."
Self: "Good. Now how about this next one?"

My: "That one means that we aren't here just for ourselves.  Our purpose is to help people."
Self: "Put them together and what do you get?"
My: "It means that I can use what I'm going through now to help other people?"
Self: EXACTLY!!

And that my friends is how I get out of slumps that I'm in. I may slip into another one or several today because today is just one of those days but I know myself will pull me through. 

At times I fight with myself and beat myself up (just picture comic book status fighting with a play by play. I'm very detailed:) 
But I get nowhere and I'm left with a battered self who can't help me when I start hurting. 

My emotions are sometimes just crazy and I need to learn to be gentle with myself.

I'm learning to remember my Savior when I'm going through rough days. . . or weeks. . . our months. I'm learning my potential to become like Him.


Remember this when you are shredding your soul into iddy-biddy little pieces because you didn't get up when you were suppose to or you went to put you elbow on the table, missed and almost face planted into said table (yep just happened to me) or any of of the human, you things you do. 

Remember to be gentle with yourself. 

Remember that you can help people with what your going through. That moment for you to help might be 5 minutes from now for a stranger or might be years from now for your own kids. 

Just remember you are loved and you are YOU!!! You are a child of God and you've GOT THIS!!!

And even when you beat and abandon yourself, remember Jesus Christ never will.

 He is always there

Love,
     Ryn.

Fly to His arms.

Dear Emmia and Kirk,

In the Bible there is the story of Noah. He lived in a pretty wicked world; so wicked that God, as merciful as He is, decided to flood the whole earth. In God's mercy He told Noah to pack up his family, food, provisions, and all types of animals(two by two) on an ark that God instructed him to build. Sound familiar to anyone? Has anyone ever had to move? go to college? start a new chapter in life? 

Sometimes transitions in life go smoothly and you are actually grateful for doing it. But that's not how it was in Noah's case. God told Noah to go into the ark with everything he had gathered and that's when it got rough. Waters from the depths of the earth sprang up and rain pored down on them until the ENTIRE earth was covered. AND Noah was 600 years old. (forgot to mention that)

Things got better though. Noah had prepared enough before hand so that all the animals and his family would survive until the waters subsided and they could come out of the ark and start over again.

But I think my favorite part in this story is the dove. When Noah wanted to see if the waters had decreased he first sent out a raven then a dove to see if there was land.

Everyone loves when the dove comes back with the olive branch in her mouth and everyone rejoices and they are even more excited when she doesn't return at all because they know that she is on land. 

But there was a time before that where she came back with nothing.

Genesis 8:9

" But the dove found no rest for the sole of her foot, and she returned unto him into the ark, for the waters were on the face of the whole earth: then he put forth his hand, and took her, and pulled her in unto him into the ark."

I love this scripture. It reminds me so much of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ has sent us out here in this world that's pretty scary; that's flooded with a lot of hate and sadness sometimes. We cannot find rest in this world permanently.

We need to return to Him to find the rest we need. His hand is always "put forth" to take us and pull us in for the comfort and rest we earn for.

God knows what we need. All we must do is seek for it. Don't let anything get in the way of you flying into His arms; of going to Him in hard times and good times.

God loves us. Let us love Him.

Love,

   Ryn.

Failures, anyone?

Dear Emmia and Kirk,

As I look back on this last year and forward to the new I ask myself a lot of questions: 

What have I done?

What have I become this past year? 

What do I want to be? 

What are my new years resolutions?

Can I even remember my last ones?

Which ones did I accomplish?

Which ones are unfulfilled?

How can I get better?

What should I aim for?

What haven't I aimed for?

What in the world is wrong with me?

Why am I asking all these questions anyway?

Hmmm, maybe I should learn how to play the guitar?

Woo I wonder if I could read all the standard works in a year!?

Wouldn't that be an accomplishment!?

But what about the other goals I want to get done? like:

-become a Preach my Gospel Missionary

-declutter(I have soo much stuff right?

-make every prayer meaningful

-get in shape and eat right, yay!

-develop talents and abilities

-turn 21(not a given one if you think about it)

-always be myself(which is super hard, no?

-maybe figure out how to do a podcast

-and learn how to crochet and knit a pattern

-become fluent in Spanish

How am I ever gonna get all these things done?

What about last years goals that did not happen?

like at all?

Was last year a failure?

Maybe it wasn't?

I wonder if you got confused with all these questions?

     This past year was all a year should be. It had up and downs and unexpected turns and paths. Yeah I made a bunch of mistakes and goof ups but I also did a lot of good.

So as I tried to figure out my goals for this year as well as reflecting, my sister emailed me and gave me this sound advice:(without even knowing it)

 "Remember that "failures" are only failures if you don't learn from them."

 So I'm not going to limit my goals this year just because I "failed" some goals last year. I learned from them so they're not really failures.

 

I know I may not know the path but I know who is with me. My Savior never leaves me and with Him and can return to God. I focus on him and through all the trial and mistakes I try to always remember:

So my new years resolutions are:

Use the Atonement daily, one day at a time.

Master the simple things

Love and serve others

Be balanced

Return with Him

And any others He wants to to do:)

 So go out and learn and grow. I'm certainly doing it or trying to, and that's what life is all about.
   Because we are eternal beings (we have always existed and will always exist) this is the only time in our existence where we will have such a close understanding of and think of beginnings and ends, months and years, and the everyday mortal things.

Enjoy it!!! Reach out and grab it. Cherish and love every bad hair day, flat tire, broken relationship, wrong turn, right way, family laughter, precious moment, held child, falling leaf, snowflake, or rain, skip or trip or run, frown or smile, dashed hope or accomplished dream. Because its only fleeting and you'll realize as you look back on it all, your failures or mistakes will be your most triumphant memories, where you overcame and changed and loved the most.

God gave us this opportunity to be human together. Lets enjoy the journey; potholes, bumps, wrong turns and all. So lets do this new year thing together. What are your resolutions?
Love,
Ryn