My and Self.

dear emmia and kirk,
   I'm being dramatic today. My emotions are up, down, upside down, sideways, diagonal and everything in between which just makes me frustrated which is NOT good people.
   Life as a missionary isn't always lollipops and rainbows. Its sometimes really hard just like life. And sometimes I feel like this:

A.K.A : "A missionary's emotions are as real as yours. Just because they might get sad over people's rejections, does not make their feelings any less real."

Some people think that missionaries are perfect. We are called for 18 to 24 months to be representatives of Jesus Christ and teach the world Jesus Christ's Gospel. But just because we are representing the only perfect man that walked on this earth does not mean we are perfect.

No matter how much I want to be perfect and follow Christ with exactness I have to fess up: I'm human. I am simply me. And at times I laugh at myself and say: "self you are far from perfect"

And this is where the emotions kick in. Right now I feel like a yo-yo. Have you ever had those days? One minute your smiling and laughing with your friends and the next you want to slink away and be a hermit? One moment I am totally OK at the fact that I'm not perfect. I'm human and me. But in a flash I'm  beating myself up for not being a perfect person or missionary or friend or sister. And then I start apologizing to myself and I have a conversation with myself that goes something like this. . . 
(Warning: yes this is a conversation amongst me, myself and I. I hope this happens to you sometimes because I talk to myself a lot and this is usually the blow by blow. If you get nervous with crazy or nutty tendencies you have been warned :)

My: "Self, I'm sorry I don't write everyone an individual email every week. I only have an hour to email everybody and honestly a blanket email telling everyone about my week is all my nerves can allow
I'm sorry for making up excuses about emailing people.
I'm sorry I sometimes get grumpy and I don't have a smile on my face. 
I'm sorry for . . . "
Self: "OK STOP!!!!!!! My, your not doing so good today. Let me help you out. Remember this?

My: "Yeah we saw it on Facebook this morning. We liked it so we shared it."
Self: "did you really read it?"
My: "Well yeah I did. Its saying that all the things I'm going through today is helping me and preparing me for tomorrow."
Self: "Good. Now how about this next one?"

My: "That one means that we aren't here just for ourselves.  Our purpose is to help people."
Self: "Put them together and what do you get?"
My: "It means that I can use what I'm going through now to help other people?"
Self: EXACTLY!!

And that my friends is how I get out of slumps that I'm in. I may slip into another one or several today because today is just one of those days but I know myself will pull me through. 

At times I fight with myself and beat myself up (just picture comic book status fighting with a play by play. I'm very detailed:) 
But I get nowhere and I'm left with a battered self who can't help me when I start hurting. 

My emotions are sometimes just crazy and I need to learn to be gentle with myself.

I'm learning to remember my Savior when I'm going through rough days. . . or weeks. . . our months. I'm learning my potential to become like Him.


Remember this when you are shredding your soul into iddy-biddy little pieces because you didn't get up when you were suppose to or you went to put you elbow on the table, missed and almost face planted into said table (yep just happened to me) or any of of the human, you things you do. 

Remember to be gentle with yourself. 

Remember that you can help people with what your going through. That moment for you to help might be 5 minutes from now for a stranger or might be years from now for your own kids. 

Just remember you are loved and you are YOU!!! You are a child of God and you've GOT THIS!!!

And even when you beat and abandon yourself, remember Jesus Christ never will.

 He is always there

Love,
     Ryn.

Storm of Feelings

Dear Emmia and Kirk,
 Today I want to talk about storms. Not the storms of clouds and weather but the storms of life. These storms come in various forms and sizes but one thing is constant; they happen to all of us.

My storms are most likely completely different from you storms but again there is another constant. We can all rely on Jesus Christ to get us through these storms.

As a missionary my life is literally in the hands of God. We have transfers every 6 weeks where we could be sent anywhere in the mission with a new companion, new environment and new everything. Also as missionaries we try to follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost to find people who are ready for Christ's message and that leads to our emotions being at the mercy of the people we teach. That storm is outside of me. I'm used to those storms I'm used to the circumstances trying to overthrow my inner soul.

But, at the moment I feel that the storm is on the inside. The things I thought I knew how to control: Fear, hope, pain, faith, disappointment, trust, uncertainty, charity, despair, delight are rebelling against me and raging inside my heart and mind with my little soul on a ship in the throws of the hurricane. ITS SO FRUSTRATING!! The things you thought weren't a storm suddenly turn into one and you are sitting there clinging onto the mast of your old ways thinking "why is this happening?"

I've learned that it happens so that we can learn to trust in God to pry our hands from the ship and walk to Christ.

"And when the disciples saw Jesus walking on the sea, they were troubled. . . But striaghtway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid. And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water. And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus. But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me. And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt? and when they were come into the ship, the wind ceased."
  Matthew 14:26-32.

Peter had a lot of courage to go out onto that water. He asked "if it be thou, bid me come" He knew that the Savior wouldn't forbid him to venture out. He knew His Savior. We all have that moment in life where we decide to get out of the ship and come to Christ. My "ship" was my life before my mission, the water is my mission (and future) and I have taken that step out of the comfortable life I used to live.

But I didn't know how rough the wind would be. Just like Peter when he focused on the wind and storm; that's where he started to sink. When he focused on Jesus Christ he was fine. When Jesus was helping him back to the ship they were still on the water and Peter, with the help of Christ, was walking on the water but it was only after they got into the ship that the wind ceased.

When we focus on Jesus Christ, the storms and winds are still there but we can survive them and overcome them as we keep our eyes on the Savior of our souls.

There's a song we listen to in the car that I feel is relating to me and the things I'm going through way to much not to mention. Its by Lifehouse and its called Storm.

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And I know everything will be alright

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright

Everything's alright
Yeah, everything's alright 

 painting by Micheal T. Malm I have on my scripture case. I love Peter's face. He knows the person he is looking at.

As long as we are lost in Christ's eyes we won't be lost in the storms. 

My God is calming me. He is teaching me how to deal with the winds and the waves. He is walking with me in all of this. He is helping me see that the storms I go through are nothing compared to His power.

When I focus on Christ I can smile through the rain and I notice that when we meet life's challenges with Christ we can do anything!

It is easy enough to be pleasant,

When life flows by like a song,

But the man worth while is one who will smile,

When everything goes dead wrong.

For the test of the heart is trouble,

And it always comes with the years,

And the smile that is worth the praises of earth

Is the smile that shines through tears.

-Ella Wheeler Wilcox

It's all about choice. All of the trials in the world can't take away your ability to choose. And even though sometimes we feel like we're "ten feet under and upside down" we have the right to choose. Its hard to be happy when you don't feel like it. Its hard to smile when all you want to do is frown. But its even harder when you give in to that frown or sadness. 

This storm that's raging in my heart and mind cannot pull me down or rob me of my smile. I know I am a daughter of God who has a loving Father in Heaven that sent His Son to walk on my life's storms and teach me how to overcome my inward hurricanes and my outward typhoons; He is teaching me to walk on water.

Keep your eyes on Christ. Be single to God. Don't give up. If your are not walking on water yet, keep swimming. Reach out for Him. I know he will immediately reach out and give you aid.

D&C 88:68

Therefore, sanctify yourselves that your minds become single to God, and the days will come that you shall see him; for he will unveil his face unto you, and it shall be in his own time, and in his own way, and according to his own will.

Have the faith to trust in Christ and remember that you are never alone.

John 14:18
I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.

As we follow his commandments, listen to the Holy Ghost and follow His promptings to know what to do we will feel Him close and we will know that we are keeping our eyes on Him.

Know that He loves you.

Love,
  Ryn

More than one Restoration

Dear Emmia and Kirk,
   In the LDS faith there are many restorations.

The Restoration of the Church. This is probably the most commonly known.

"When Jesus Christ lived on the earth, He organized His Church so that all people could receive His gospel and return one day to live with God, our Heavenly Father. After Jesus Christ died, was resurrected and ascended to heaven, His Apostles continued to receive revelation from Him through the Holy Ghost on how to direct the work of His Church. However, after they were killed, members changed the teachings of the Church that He had established. While many good people and some truth remained, this Apostasy, or general falling away from the truth, brought about the withdrawal of the Church from the earth (2 Thessalonians 2:1-3; Acts 20:29-30). The Apostle Peter prophesied that Jesus would restore His Church before His Second Coming (Acts 3:19-21).

Jesus Christ began to restore His Church in its fulness to the earth through the Prophet Joseph Smith in 1820. It has grown to become a worldwide Church with over 13 million members. It has the same teachings and basic organization as the Church established by Jesus in New Testament times.-mormon.org

Jesus Christ through Joseph Smith restored His true church, His doctrine and teachings and His authority on the earth again. 

Also the Resurrection is a type of restoration. After we die or bodies and spirits are separated and our spirit goes to the spirit world. Sometime after death our bodies and spirits are reunited to never be separated again. Jesus Christ was the first to rise from the dead and become resurrected and because of Him we will as well. All of us will receive immortal bodies.

All my life I have heard about, talked about and taught about these restorations. I have known about them all my life.

But I learned how to apply another restoration in my life. The restoration of the soul.

Through Jesus Christ our soul can be restored; can return to Heavenly Father.

"The great secret is this: Jesus Christ will share his perfection, his sinlessness, his righteousness, his merits with us. In his mercy he offers us the use of his perfection, in the absence of our own, to satisfy the demands of justice"

This is why genuine faith in Christ- ACTIVE acceptance of his power and not just passive belief in his identity is and must be the very first principle of the gospel." -Stephen E. Robinson.

When we accept his power; his atonement in our lives and actively apply it to everything we do we are sanctified, purified in Christ.

Find Him. Find you.

Love,
   Ryn.

Seeking God's correction.

Dear Emmia and Kirk,
 I was usually a pretty good kid. I stayed out of trouble and tried not to put more stress on my single mom than was needed. I tried to follow all the rules and be a good girl.
I'm sure I slipped up a time or two with minor rules but I remember one time in particular that really affected me. One time I didn't get home until 3 am. I'm sure teenagers do this all the time but it was unheard of for me. I was at a friend's house and we started the movie late and I fell asleep. By the time I woke up it was really late. My mom called me and I knew she wasn't happy. Driving home I was scared. When I got in the house mom grilled me for an hour. My heart hurt so much with guilt. One of my worst fears was to cause extra stressed on an already tasked mom. But there was a little part of my soul that was saying "Wait a minute here! I've been a good girl thus far. I haven't gone to booze or drugs to drown my loneliness. I haven't rebelled with major things. I didn't follow curfew once. Why is this such a big deal?"

Looking back on it I know now why my mom yelled at me. She was scared to. She loves me and wants the best for me. That little rebellious thought is gone. now I know that her corrections and love helped me stay on the right path until I had faith in it.

Have you ever felt like that? Where you think you are doing well and you get cut to the curb? You think you've figured it out but then you get punished for one small thing? Your body is ok and working already then WAMMY something goes wrong that leaves you in a lot of pain for one small act? You pick up a glass thinking to drink water and its milk? walking along and all of a sudden you've stubbed your toe? You think "he's the one!" and then he's not, leaving you with pain and bitterness in your heart?

This happens to all of us. the sinners the saints and the people in between. Trials come to all of us that are unexpected and often it makes you realize something you did not want to think about; a flaw in your character, a lack of patience or endurance, or simply that life's not fair.

Why do these things happen?

because God loves us. He loves us and wants the best for us.

Sometimes we grow into something God doesn't want us to be. Maybe we have grown according to the will of others, found nourishment from bad soil or have wrapped around something that is harmful to us.



God doesn't want us to be just a good person or a better person. He wants us to be His heirs; His Children.

When we seek for His loving corrections he transforms us.

"The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in. The world would take people out of the slums. Christ would take the slums out of people, and then they would take themselves out of the slums.

The world would mold men by changing their environment. Christ changes men, who then change their environment. The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature."

   -Ezra Taft Benson.

When we follow Christ even when we feel like our lot in life isn't fair Christ will change us, change our thoughts and patterns until we are grateful for those unfair things. Health problems? they teach us to take care of what we can and trust in God with the rest. Drinking milk but expecting water? you learn to expect the unexpected AND to look before you decide to act. Stubbed toe? teaching you to watch the path you're on. heart ache, abuse (from yourself or others)? Helps you see that giving your trust to God is worth it.

I have many many moments where I feel God has cut me down and given me something I cannot handle. But in those moments I realize that He is in it and afterwards I know I can handle it when I walk with Him.

Jesus Christ walked on water and when I follow Him I can, despite all the storms I'm given and go through I can walk on water too.

Love,

  Ryn

"by Faith, they become"

Dear Emmia and Kirk,

  Well today is the day I have been out on my mission for one full year.
 
Today was also the day I finished the Book of Mormon in 26 days.

This past year I have learned many many many things.

One of them being that God loves us.

1 Nephi 11:17

"And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things."

We are His children and He wants all of us back. It doesn't matter what walk of life we come from or who has more worldly prestige because we are all equally loved by our Father.

Second of them being is to be happy and love where you are, who your with and how you got there no matter the mode of transportation.

Loving who you are and who your with will free you from yourself and that makes all the difference.

And thirdly of them being that when we have faith & pray to our Father we can conquer anything!

Moroni 7:26

"And after that he came men also were saved by faith in his name; and by faith, they become the sons of God. And as surely as Christ liveth he spake these words unto our fathers, saying: Whatsoever thing ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is good, in faith believing that ye shall receive, behold, it shall be done unto you."

BY FAITH WE BECOME!

It is only because of faith I have been able to leave behind everything I was used to; leave behind my family and all that I loved to come to New York and it is only by faith that I came to love the people here and pore out my heart in the service of my God. 

I could never be able to do it without faith, hope or charity.

Moroni 10:20

Wherefore, there must be faith; and if there must be faith there must also be hope; and if there must be hope there must also be charity.

I by myself could not have gone through this year with all that I have done and seen and cherished without my Savior Jesus Christ. And I won't be able to leave this beloved New York or the people here, go home to my family whom I love or face my future without my God.

Have faith to become His

Doubt not, But be BELIEVING!

Mormon 9:27

Love,

   Ryn.

"Filling their souls with Joy"

Dear Emmia and Kirk,

In the  Book of Mormon. there are so many trials:

Moving and not knowing where your going (1 Nephi 2:4)

Sibling revelry (1 Nephi 3:28)

Mistakes (2 Nephi 4)

Wayward sons (Alma 39)

Just to name a few. So what did they do when things got tough? What should we do when a tsunami of problems wash away our peace? Again the Book of Mormon not only gives us examples of trials but also examples of ways to get through it.

  I want to share with you one of my favorite scriptures. I say one of them because its just too hard to pick just one favorite scripture. That's like trying to pick out a favorite star among the heavens.
Anyways back to the scripture. Its Helaman 3:35.

This scripture is talking about the Nephites a people that lived in ancient America. They have had a lot of wars (a trial, right?) because of wickedness but this is a time where some of them are striving to live the commandments of God.

"Nevertheless they did fast and pray oft, and did wax stronger and stronger in their humility, and firmer and firmer in the faith of Christ, unto the filling their souls with joy and consolation, yea, even to the purifying and the sanctification of their hearts, which sanctification cometh because of their yielding their hearts unto God."

Their trials weren't over and done with and then they had joy. They still had hard times but they had joy through it. How you might ask? Through fasting and praying and trusting in God

I know that we must fast and pray. That is the only way we will receive spiritual light. I know that when we put in our effort we will gain strength and firmness in our humility and faith in Christ.

I know that when we "yield our hearts unto God" Christ will "fill our souls with joy" even when we are going through the "very jaws of hell" (D&C 122:7)

Whenever your life feels like its going downhill, kids, think of Jesus Christ. His name has power alone. Jesus Christ will help us climb up our own personal mountains but we have to choose to move forward. We have to choose to receive the joy Christ desires to give us.

The Refiner's Fire

This talk (link above) is by James E. Faust. Here are some clippets of what he says and quotes:

Parley P. Pratt said: “If I had been set to turn the world over, to dig down a mountain, to go to the ends of the earth, or traverse the deserts of Arabia, it would have been easier than to have undertaken to rest, while the Priesthood was upon me. I have received the holy anointing, and I can never rest till the last enemy is conquered, death destroyed, and truth reigns triumphant.” (Journal of Discourses, 1:15.)

Elder Orson F. Whitney asked and answered this question: “To whom do we look, in days of grief and disaster, for help and consolation? … They are men and women who have suffered, and out of their experience in suffering they bring forth the riches of their sympathy and condolences as a blessing to those now in need. Could they do this had they not suffered themselves?

“Though he were a Son, yet learned he obedience by the things which he suffered; And being made perfect, he became the author of eternal salvation unto all them that obey him.” (Heb. 5:8–9).

"The Divine Shepherd has a message of hope, strength, and deliverance for all. If there were no night, we would not appreciate the day, nor could we see the stars and the vastness of the heavens. We must partake of the bitter with the sweet. There is a divine purpose in the adversities we encounter every day.They prepare, they purge, they purify, and thus they bless."

I know that no matter what your going through whether it be debt, losing a loved one or wading through the storm of guilt, that Jesus Christ loves you and has given you this things because He knows you can handle it. 

There have been times in my life where I didn't believe that. Where I would yell at God for giving me things that I did not believe I could handle. 

Many burdens feel that way; that they are dragging us down. and they may not be big burdens really. They may be those small thoughts in the back of your mind asking: Will it work out? or What does my future hold? and the enormity of that unanswered questions leaves you in worry and doubt.

Remember the Savior in those moments. Strength comes to change, to have hope and happiness in the agony of sorrow and hardship. 

DO NOT GIVE UP. 

Keep your eye on the Son of God though your horizon is dark.

Have faith that it will all work out in the end. If it ain't working out, it ain't the end.

Have faith in Christ and let Him purify and sanctify your heart so that you can stand firm and know that He is.

Love,
   Ryn.