My Father.

Dear Emmia and Kirk,
My past wasn't typical which I'm sure is true for everyone. My past includes an abusive father, divorce, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and my family that got me through it all.

With a past like this it tends to still affect me. I don't want it to but it does.  For me there are a lot of unanswered questions. Most of them start with why. (my favorite question as mom can attest to)

At times I have asked: Why did my dad abuse us? Why does my past keep coming up to effect me?

Which leads to: Why is there so much violence in the world? Why do I have to hurt for other peoples choices?

But they remain unanswered.

I don't have to know why my father inflicted so much violent abuse on a tender family and chose to do all of the things he as done.
I don't know the reason why I grew up fatherless.
I don't have to know why my father chose not to be a father to me.
I don't know why my family still struggles emotionally and financially because of what one person did.
I don't have to know why there is so much pain and hurt from abuse. . .

because I know the cure. My Savior, Jesus Christ can mend anything. He is the comfort I seek when the nightmares come and my self-esteem is broken. He is the hand I hold when I go through a flashback. His is the face I see when memories invade.

 

Through Jesus Christ I know I have a Father in Heaven. He loves me. He has been there when my earthly dad was screaming at us, when he was beating up my family in front of me and when these mental wounds have reopened with every flashback.

In my mind my father is not my father. He abused and hurt my family and me. He didn't act like a father.

My God is my Father. He knows me better than I know me.

 2 Corinthians 1:3
Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;

 He will give me what I need exactly when I need it to help me be what I need to be to help others in need.

 These two talks have helped me look for healing and help. They have reminded me of the simple truths of the gospel that have always been there to heal and comfort me.

"Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse"

 "Repent that I may heal you"

Sometimes I still wonder why it happened and why it still effects me but I know that Jesus Christ has healed me already and will make everything just in the end. All I have to do is remember that I'm healed, repent of my mistakes and always always look in Jesus Christ's eyes. He is my center. When I focus on Him all the negative tempest of guilt, shame, anger, fear, hate, anxiety, etc. don't matter anymore. Yes that storm is still there but Christ is my focus and only He can get me to the safety of the shore.

Emmia, it is not your fault if someone hurts you. It is their choice. That guilt that you might be holding on to hurts your soul far more than the abuse ever could. Let it go and now that God doesn;t punish you for another persons actions. You are a daughter of God and deserve HIs is comfort and help. All you need is to ask.

Kirk, remember you are a Son of God. It may scare you, if you have gone through abuse, to become like your abuser. I have felt that fear time and time again. Let love be the motivator of your potential not fear. Let God's love push that fear away. Love yourself into God's arms and He will be your influence to become like Christ.

Helaman 3:35

"Nevertheless they did fast and pray oft, and did wax stronger and stronger in their humility, and firmer and firmer in the faith of Christ, unto the filling their souls with joy and consolation, yea, even to the purifying and the sanctification of their hearts, which sanctification cometh because of their yielding their hearts unto God."

 I love you and God loves you and I hope, if abuse (any type) has happened in you life, that you come to the One that can purify you and give you comfort.

Love,
 Ryn.



 

Sun Dogs

Dear Emmia and Kirk,
You know those mornings where you have to wake up really early and you don't think you could ever be in a happy mood all day until God does something to blind you with His brilliance and put a smile on your face?

Well this week we experienced just that. A couple days ago we were driving to the Peter Whitmer Farm for our shift early early EARLY in the morning. (did I mention it was early?) The east horizon was just starting to lighten as we pulled onto the road. As the sun rose, the temperature dropped. 8 degrees. 6 degrees. 3 degrees. 0 degrees. this is when we started taking pictures of the car dash board where the temp. registers.
 -1.    -3.   -4.    -6.   -8

Both the temperature and my mood were in the negative. I don't like morning. I don't like the cold.

But God put something in my path to change my view.

As we drove I noticed a rainbow on each side of the rising sun and it was so amazingly brilliant. I had never seen that before.

A little while later we actually drove through the rainbow:)


(picture from searching "sun dogs" on Google images)

I felt so loved in that moment. God knew I was having a hard time that morning following Him and being Christlike. So he gave me my first glimpse at one of His phenomenons, sun dogs, to help me see that morning from His point of view.

If it hadn't been the crack of dawn we wouldn't have seen the rainbow around the sun.

If it hadn't been that cold we wouldn't have seen it either.

Sometimes life is hard. Sometimes we make it hard. And all the time God is trying to tell us that He loves us and gives us hard things so we can see the beauty in it.

"He was a burning and a shining light: and ye were willing for a season to rejoice in his light." (John 5:35)

When I follow the Light of Jesus Christ I am happier. I'm definitely not trial-less. My life isn't perfect and rainbows and sun dogs all the time because I follow Jesus Christ.

But with Jesus Christ I can smile through the 8 below weather. I can climb up all my trials with His strength and help. I can overcome my flaws and imperfections and on this journey back to Him and Heavenly Father I can help other people come closer to Christ's light.

Mathew 5

14. Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.

15. Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.

16. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.

Shine for Jesus Christ and your Heavenly Father and you will see His Light in your life.

It happened to me :)

Love,

   Ryn

Mi Hermanas :)

Dear Emmia and Kirk,
   Google definition of sister: a woman or girl in relation to other daughters and sons of her parents.
 A sister is way more than this.
A sister is a friend, confidant, support, back up, creeps with you, laughs with you, and loves you even when they don't like you.

Here are my sisters. . .

Kiera

Aubrey

Sarah(the one with long hair:)



And these are just the three that are related to me (hence they have to claim me)

I never thought I would get any more sisters but God has a sense of humor and sent me to The Hill Cumorah Visitor's Center where I serve with A LOT of sisters. and they have all become true sisters to me.

So why has God sent tons and tons of sisters to me, a tomboy?

Well in short they are reflections of the Savior and each one of them are examples to me of how I can reflect the Savior.

Growing up I didn't have much self worth, but because of the amazing examples of womanhood around me I have learned that I am of worth and I have the ability to reflect the Savior.

God gives us things we do not expect to teach us lessons that we wouldn't have sought after ourselves

The Ugly Duckling had to leave before he found who he really was. He had to grow into his feathers before seeing his true reflection.

"Look harder" -Rafiki

Right now, that is what I am doing. I know my sisters (all of them) are cheering me on and helping me. How you might ask? By being who they really are! which strengthens me to be who I really am: Daughters of a King!!

Love,
  Ryn.

Random quotes.

Dear Emmia and Kirk,
Four quotes that uplifted my soul today:)

 

 

 

 

 What uplifted your soul today?

Love,
  Ryn

White Darkness

Dear Emmia and Kirk,
We are all surrounded by white darkness. Google, Yahoo, Bing, Facebook, Twitter, etc Endless information flooding us with what's hot, who's right, what's in, how all the celebrities are, and how many people care about you(are you followed or liked?) All these posts and twitters giving us a white wash of info. Its everywhere!! Drowning us in white darkness filling our head with thoughts of inadequacy, pride, things we think we want but don't have money for, and on and on and on supplying us with an endless amount of white noise.

"Crazy? Did someone say crazy? I was crazy once. They longed locked me in a white room with yahoo and google. I looked for this and I searched that and I found nothing. It drove me crazy. Crazy? Did someone say. . . "

In the Old and New Testaments people didn't have information coming at them with a push of a button.

"Behold, the days come, saith the Lord God, that I will send a famine in the land, not a famine of bread, nor a thirst for water, but of hearing the words of the Lord:

 And they shall wander from sea to sea, and from the north even to the east, they shall run to and fro to seek the word of the Lord, and shall not find it."

Amos 8:11-12

That's what it was like back then after Jesus Christ and His apostles left the earth. People were RUNNING and SEEKING for the truth and they couldn't find it.

But what about now? 

Well now, information and knowledge usually comes running and seeking after us, trying to tell us what to wear, what to do, buy, and shop for and even who we are. 

Now a days we have to find truth amongst an ocean of information and facts. 

How can we find it?

 This video clip explains it better than I can.

The voice of the Spirit should be the filter we use to tune out the negative voices and tune into what God wants to tell us.

Technology is amazing. It helps us in so many ways. When we follow the spirit in using it our lives are enriched and we are at peace with God which is the only peace that lasts.






This life is for us to become like Jesus Christ. When we filter the information through the Voice of the Spirit and through Jesus Christ eyes we aren't too fat or skinny. We don't need to buy something to be of worth.

We are Children of God.

When we remember this we seek after the truth of God and tune out what the world thinks of us.

When we remember this we run towards God because we know He is our loving Father in heaven.

When we remember this we are free and we move through this white darkness of information and storm of ideas with confidence having our eyes fixed on Jesus Christ

We smile more too :)

Love,

    Ryn

Puzzle pieces

Dear Emmia and Kirk,
 I love to do puzzles. My mom and I could zone out for hours in front of a 5000 piece puzzle. We do one every year for New Years. One time we did 7 (varying from 250 to 5000) I was dreaming in puzzle pieces :) Whenever I see this:

I think: Challenge accepted.

I've learned a lot of life lessons from puzzle doing.

 #1: Frame comes first!

When you start working on a puzzle always ALWAYS work on the frame first. If you don't it will take you SSOOO much longer to complete the puzzle and its pretty much chaos. You'll get more frustrations, anger, and puzzle piece throwing than enjoyment and accomplishment out of the puzzle if you get the frame done first.

In life you should start with the frame also. For me my frame is Jesus Christ, His teachings and His restored gospel and church. When I frame my life with Christ and His simple commandments my frustrations, anger and tantrum throwing are less and the enjoyment and accomplishment of my life increases.

No matter what you frame is work on it improve it make sure its a good frame and structure your life in that frame. It will make you so much happier :)

#2: Take the dark with the light.

If you look at an individual piece of a puzzle you its a mini representation of the force on Star Wars. It has a dark side and a light side. And those little individual pieces make up a whole picture of complementary light and dark.

Life has dark days and light days. and those individual days make up a whole life of complementary light and dark.

In the Missionary Training Center one of our teachers Bailee then Brinkerhoff now Morris, pointed this picture out to us that was on the classroom wall.

She pointed out that if it wasn't for the dark places the focus point (where Joseph Smith is) wouldn't even be the focus. The painting wouldn't have focus. She related that to our missions that if we made this painting into a puzzle and each piece was a day of our mission then one day might be filled with dark: everything going wrong, nothing going right, bad hair day and you just want to kneel down in fetal position and cry. But some days would be filled with light: smiling like the barbie at the end of Toy Story 2 but you don't ever want to stop. and most days will have both but they all come together to make an epic picture; a picture of a mission that you will be proud of. I've realized that's not just an analogy for my mission but for my life.

2 Nephi 2: 11

"For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, my firstborn in the wilderness, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility."

#3: Follow the blueprint.

Doing a puzzle without a picture of the end product its harder to complete just like life! If you don't have something for reference you lose the way and even motivation to finish.

One time my mom and I couldn't find the reference picture to a puzzle. (puzzles usually come with them) We had lost it and when we didn't have it the puzzle slowed down. We actually stopped working on it for about a week before we finally found the reference picture in the depths of the couch.

If I don't have a reference picture or blueprint for my life I can lose my way and sometimes lose motivation to continue. In Junior High I had lost the blueprint of my life. I wasn't building my life at all on any blueprint. I was lost and I wasn't happy. But as soon as I found a  blueprint to follow in my life I could move forward to building my life and put together all the small things because I have the big picture.

#4: Life is a puzzle.

    Sometimes when working on a puzzle you lose a piece or you think a piece should go where you think it goes. . . but it doesn't.

Sometimes when going through life I lose things: people, things, places, etc. or I have a plan for my life and I'm positive it will go the way I want it . . . but it doesn't. Which is probably a good thing. With God's plan for my life I can focus on fitting in the pieces. God has already made the puzzle; designed it, created it and worked it all out. All I have to do is put it together.


#5: Cherish the small things.

My mom and I whenever we got a piece of the puzzle in we would do a high five or pound it. Sometimes a mix of both (hahaha:)

That taught me to cherish the small accomplishments. You got out of bed this morning? WOOOHOOO!!! congratulations:) Those small little moments make up a whole day. that small little day makes up a whole life and that life is a puzzle that when completed can be a gift to my Heavenly Father.

1 Nephi 21:16

Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.

My life and puzzle is in His hands. He has given me everything I need. There are so many more lessons I have gained from the life time of doing puzzles but I hope you can take this pieces and apply them to your life puzzle.

Love,
   Ryn

My Brothers.

Dear Emmia and Kirk,
  Meet my brothers!!!!:)


This is Josh with Sarah, the love of his life (and his favorite hat.)
 


Cordell! my brother-in-law with the love of his life, my sister Aubrey.

And finally. . .

 Jesus Christ, my Savior and Redeemer.

My brothers mean a lot to me.

Josh was the one that read Harry Potter and every other book I wanted when I was too young to read. We would sit on his bed for hours while he read and then when I was learning to read we would take turns. It must have been annoying to him sometimes but he never showed it. We would play lacrosse together, have chess battles(he won basically most of the time), and he helped me learn how to ride a bike. Through all these I have learned and grown. Josh taught me never to let anyone win, always be yourself no matter what and that I am loved no matter what. The only thing that separates us is 8 years age difference.

Cordell loves my sister. He treats her right and is her other half. He's given me a lot of advice and funny memories from his past while Aubrey slept talked beside us. Even though I haven't known him long he truly is a solid guy that cares.

Josh and Cordell know how to love. They show me shining examples of how women are supposed to be treated and being their sister has taught me so many things. They are both examples of my Brother Jesus Christ.

Despite the 2000 year age difference between us I know Jesus Christ loves me. He has taught me so many lessons on how to be a better person through the scriptures, prophets of God, and life lessons from the examples around me.

This is to my mortal brothers and to all my other spiritual brothers (and my sons who will be brothers to there siblings) out there. Be His Example. Jesus Christ knows you; your weakness and trials and things you have problems with. He still loves you. He knows your joy and smile and happiness. He still loves you.
He loves you no matter what.
And guess what? I love you too.

Love, Ryn.

To those who believe in everyday miracles

Dear Emmia and Kirk,

Today we had a miracle!

Here's how it went. Our morning was pretty normal it went by smoothly we got most of our studies in and actually finished lunch early at 11:30. While I was trying to get ready (I've been feeling a bit sick) Sister Carlson took pity on me and did my hair (Miracle #1) which doesn't happen very often (the pitying or my hair getting done)

Then Sister Carlson had a great idea for a blog post and she took pictures of her beat up missionary shoes and her new shoes to compare her growth on her mission. (Miracle #2) While she clicked away she felt so much peace about what she was doing. So hair, sickness, and lethargy on my end and shoes, pictures and ADD on Sister Carlson's end got us out the door and in the car. . . at 12:24 pm. Our shift at the Book of Mormon Publication site starts at 1 pm (but we were suppose to be 15 minutes early). . . and we live 40 minutes to an hour from the sites; a.k.a. we are going to be late. Me, personally I would be freaking out. Wow we are going to be soooo late. Cue anxiety attack NOW!!!

But it didn't come. No beating heart of anxiety, no sweaty palms of worry. I felt peace. I felt like 12:24 pm was the exact time we needed to leave. (Miracle #3) We start on our way and realize that we haven't prayed yet so we turn off the CD playing and I pray while Sister Carlson is driving. While I was praying all the cars parted like the Red Sea (before we were hitting every red light and cars were merging in front of us galore)

The lights were green and we were driving towards our destination when we saw in the distance lights on part of the road ahead of us. Police lights, firetruck and ambulance. I saw it and said "I think that's why. . . " and Sister Carlson looked at me and said "I was thinking the exact same thing and as you said that my heart burned."

As we approached the blinking lights a feeling of gratitude and sadness washed over me in equal measure. I scanned the scene as Sister Carlson drove past it. Men in yellow reflector jackets were everywhere guiding traffic, talking on radios and sweeping up glass. Its a good thing I had sunglasses on because I was tearing up. I looked to see the damage of the car. It was was small and green. lifted up on the flatbed of the tow truck. It was all smashed up.

My soul hurt for the people in that accident and as we drove away I turned off the CD again and prayed. I prayed for those people. I prayed for the men in the yellow reflector jackets. and I thanked God for using our small weaknesses, like pictures of shoes, to protect us.

Protect us from being in that accident, from seeing it or the hurt someone on a stretcher. I could feel the residue of pain that was on that part of the road just moments before.

As you can see I have a very sensitive soul. And God has given that to me as a gift. But I have weaknesses. Sometimes I do not want to get out of bed at 6:30 am. Sometimes I feel left out. Sometimes I say weird things. Sometimes I don't say things I should.

But God uses our strengths AND our weaknesses to bring about His will.

Ether 12:27

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

Simple weakness is a miracle. think about it. We are infinite spiritual beings that have bodies living a mortal life. Just think about that for a few.

Everything is a miracle to God. Even trials. Trials are the hardest thing ever that's why they are called trials. They test you, they break you down and sometimes shred you into teeny tiny little pieces.

But through trials God can build us up, strengthen us and bring us closer to what we can become.

Its the small things.

EVERYTHING IS A MIRACLE.

That is what I learned today.

Love, Ryn

From explosive mess to an old lesson re-addressed.

Dear Emmia and Kirk,
As missionaries we have these planners. And they look kind of boring (see picture below). . . so as sister missionaries we like to decorate them so they aren't boring. As I was making mine yesterday I learned (or relearned) a very valuable lesson.

At first I didn't know what to do. Nothing new, that always happens. I went through a bunch of Ensigns flipping pages trying to find that perfect picture. Glue flying, scissors snipping and one paper explosion later I acquired two amazing pictures and plastered them on my planner whilst sweat was plastering my face... and me, huffing and puffing.

 (this is pre-explosion)

Then I wanted to have a picture of Jesus Christ but. . .  no room.

Moral of the story: Always put Jesus Christ first in your life.

My planner looks amazing and it is centered on Jesus Christ but "always center my life on Him" was the nugget of truth I got when I was making it. See? Valuable lesson in an every 6-week task of planner making:)
See isn't it beautiful? (and its got His name on it:)
The lesson I learned while making this planner isn't anything new for me. I've learned all my life to put Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father on high priority, but this little moment in my life will always remind me to keep Him first in my life.

Always love Him first. Always pray first. Always pay your tithing first. Always try to be like Him. Always follow Him.

Life has taught me many things but the most important are to hearken unto his voice and trust in Him.

So kids, (hopefully that's OK to call you that) Find Him in the simple things. He is there. Maybe you have to look really hard to see His hand or maybe, like my situation above, the Spirit just shows us the things you need to remember.

I love this picture! (As you can see part of it is on my planner)
There is a lot of moments in my life that look like that. Stars exploding and mass chaos everywhere!! But just like new stars are born from the old, my bright future is put together from the pieces of the past.

Jesus Christ is the one that helps me to move past all those pieces of the past(heehee) and live in the present and have bright hope for the future:) He is my Savior. He is my Friend and Brother and He always has a place in my heart. (no matter how chaotic it is in there.)

Love, Ryn.

Fly to His arms.

Dear Emmia and Kirk,

In the Bible there is the story of Noah. He lived in a pretty wicked world; so wicked that God, as merciful as He is, decided to flood the whole earth. In God's mercy He told Noah to pack up his family, food, provisions, and all types of animals(two by two) on an ark that God instructed him to build. Sound familiar to anyone? Has anyone ever had to move? go to college? start a new chapter in life? 

Sometimes transitions in life go smoothly and you are actually grateful for doing it. But that's not how it was in Noah's case. God told Noah to go into the ark with everything he had gathered and that's when it got rough. Waters from the depths of the earth sprang up and rain pored down on them until the ENTIRE earth was covered. AND Noah was 600 years old. (forgot to mention that)

Things got better though. Noah had prepared enough before hand so that all the animals and his family would survive until the waters subsided and they could come out of the ark and start over again.

But I think my favorite part in this story is the dove. When Noah wanted to see if the waters had decreased he first sent out a raven then a dove to see if there was land.

Everyone loves when the dove comes back with the olive branch in her mouth and everyone rejoices and they are even more excited when she doesn't return at all because they know that she is on land. 

But there was a time before that where she came back with nothing.

Genesis 8:9

" But the dove found no rest for the sole of her foot, and she returned unto him into the ark, for the waters were on the face of the whole earth: then he put forth his hand, and took her, and pulled her in unto him into the ark."

I love this scripture. It reminds me so much of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ has sent us out here in this world that's pretty scary; that's flooded with a lot of hate and sadness sometimes. We cannot find rest in this world permanently.

We need to return to Him to find the rest we need. His hand is always "put forth" to take us and pull us in for the comfort and rest we earn for.

God knows what we need. All we must do is seek for it. Don't let anything get in the way of you flying into His arms; of going to Him in hard times and good times.

God loves us. Let us love Him.

Love,

   Ryn.

Failures, anyone?

Dear Emmia and Kirk,

As I look back on this last year and forward to the new I ask myself a lot of questions: 

What have I done?

What have I become this past year? 

What do I want to be? 

What are my new years resolutions?

Can I even remember my last ones?

Which ones did I accomplish?

Which ones are unfulfilled?

How can I get better?

What should I aim for?

What haven't I aimed for?

What in the world is wrong with me?

Why am I asking all these questions anyway?

Hmmm, maybe I should learn how to play the guitar?

Woo I wonder if I could read all the standard works in a year!?

Wouldn't that be an accomplishment!?

But what about the other goals I want to get done? like:

-become a Preach my Gospel Missionary

-declutter(I have soo much stuff right?

-make every prayer meaningful

-get in shape and eat right, yay!

-develop talents and abilities

-turn 21(not a given one if you think about it)

-always be myself(which is super hard, no?

-maybe figure out how to do a podcast

-and learn how to crochet and knit a pattern

-become fluent in Spanish

How am I ever gonna get all these things done?

What about last years goals that did not happen?

like at all?

Was last year a failure?

Maybe it wasn't?

I wonder if you got confused with all these questions?

     This past year was all a year should be. It had up and downs and unexpected turns and paths. Yeah I made a bunch of mistakes and goof ups but I also did a lot of good.

So as I tried to figure out my goals for this year as well as reflecting, my sister emailed me and gave me this sound advice:(without even knowing it)

 "Remember that "failures" are only failures if you don't learn from them."

 So I'm not going to limit my goals this year just because I "failed" some goals last year. I learned from them so they're not really failures.

 

I know I may not know the path but I know who is with me. My Savior never leaves me and with Him and can return to God. I focus on him and through all the trial and mistakes I try to always remember:

So my new years resolutions are:

Use the Atonement daily, one day at a time.

Master the simple things

Love and serve others

Be balanced

Return with Him

And any others He wants to to do:)

 So go out and learn and grow. I'm certainly doing it or trying to, and that's what life is all about.
   Because we are eternal beings (we have always existed and will always exist) this is the only time in our existence where we will have such a close understanding of and think of beginnings and ends, months and years, and the everyday mortal things.

Enjoy it!!! Reach out and grab it. Cherish and love every bad hair day, flat tire, broken relationship, wrong turn, right way, family laughter, precious moment, held child, falling leaf, snowflake, or rain, skip or trip or run, frown or smile, dashed hope or accomplished dream. Because its only fleeting and you'll realize as you look back on it all, your failures or mistakes will be your most triumphant memories, where you overcame and changed and loved the most.

God gave us this opportunity to be human together. Lets enjoy the journey; potholes, bumps, wrong turns and all. So lets do this new year thing together. What are your resolutions?
Love,
Ryn